Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
