she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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