i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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