On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Randomize
