i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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