hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
