you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
