Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
