I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
