I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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