My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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