Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
