Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
