I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
