I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
