hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
