god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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