he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i think i have two assholes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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