Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
