I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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