I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
