...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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