Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
