Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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