John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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