its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
