I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
