tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Randomize
