i jhust puked up my retainher.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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