i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
