Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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