I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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