so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
