i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
