I haven't been this sober since birth.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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