Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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