I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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