Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I have fence marks all over my body
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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