Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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