So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
