I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
