I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just high enough for therapy.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
