How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
