Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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