I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Oh god it's open bar.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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