I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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