How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
