I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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