well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
