I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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