I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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