You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
