The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize