I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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