I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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