I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
