Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
